Well, its no secret that I am the very fortunate mother of three incredible little boys. Little boys that I may add, I once thought I would never have. You see, I suffered for SEVEN long, heart ache filled years with unexplained infertility coupled with if by miracle, I did managed to get pregnant, then they would sadly not last. In total, I have had an ectopic pregnancy which resulted in me losing one of my fallopian tubes, 5 miscarriages, a missed miscarriage for which I needed surgery and two rounds of IVF. Also during this time, I underwent every test known to man to try and find a reason for why I was finding it so difficult to conceive and if I did manage to conceive, why I couldn’t seem to make them stay. So therefore, how do you think I feel about having had three boys? Do you think I was disappointed?
Why then, do people, even those that know my history constantly ask me “Are you going to try for a girl?” Or beyond that even asking me while pregnant with my second and third babies “Are you hoping for a girl this time?” I find it utterly incredulous that people should assume that I would be in any way disappointed to have had baby boys. Like having a girl is the ultimate prize and that anything else is just a consolation!
Is it because I’m a girl myself that people assume that I will desperately want a baby girl of my own. A tiny little version of myself that I can dress up and play with like a real life doll?!! Do they think that I will somehow be missing out on some of life’s pleasures by not having a daughter? That I will never get to experience the special bond that only exists between a Mother and her Daughter. Now, I admit I wouldn’t know about that, but I do know that my boys and I have an impenetrable and unbreakable bond! So, what exactly am I missing?
I remember going to the playschool to collect Beau when Rudy was a tiny new-born and there was this woman there who was collecting her grandchild. She looked in the pram, like people do and asked me what I had called the baby. When I replied “Rudy” she said “oh how lovely, a little girl. you’ve got one of each now then how perfect”. I was shocked and embarrassed. I did correct her that Rudy was in fact a boy, but I wish I really had had the guts to respond something along the lines of having had another boy didn’t make anything any less perfect for me. I was hurt and embarrassed by her comment. Should I not be enjoying my new born son? should I have been disappointed?
I’ve always declined to find out in pregnancy what sex my unborn child is because quite honestly the gender of my unborn child has never bothered me. I’ve never been desperate to have one or the other, just a healthy baby to be born at the end which I get to call my own, that’s all. Perhaps I’m in the minority, perhaps its to do with my history, but whatever, that’s just the way it is.
I absolutely love being a Mum to boys and I couldn’t imagine it any other way. I feel that they’ve really calmed me down and chilled me out as a person. I used to be so particular and precious with things like housework and everything being in order and controlled. They’ve taught me how to relinquish some of that control and how at the end of the day a bit of mess never hurt anyone. I feel I’m a calmer and more tolerant person for having them in my life. They’ve taught me so much.
Do I feel I’m missing out on not having a little girl in my life? No not at all. As it stands, I’m the Queen Bee around here and I kind of like it that way if I’m honest. Yes I’m girly, and I love dressing up and doing my hair and make-up, but that doesn’t mean I want to force these traits onto a mini version of me. Even If I was blessed with a daughter, that doesn’t necessarily mean that she would be a girly girl and that we would bond over spa days together does it. I mean she might be a complete tom boy and choose to shave her head and wear black clothes all the time for instance. It wouldn’t mean she was any less a daughter though would it. We live in a modern world where gender specifics are less defined and I’ve got to say, I like it. “Girls will be boys and boys will be girls, its a mixed up, muddled up, shook up world”…… after all isn’t in the famous words of The Kinks in their song Lola about a cross dressing man.
It seems to be a very old fashioned view doesn’t it, that women long for a girl a mini version of themselves to play dollies with and that men long for a boy so that they can take them to a football match. These stereotypes are completely outdated in todays modern world though don’t you think? I mean you can play dolls and dressing up with boys and shock horror, but don’t girls like and play football too!
Although I am distinctly aware that gender preference is still a thing (think Victoria Beckham) I really don’t understand why. When I’m seen out and about with the boys I often get comments like “you’ve got your hands full there love” and then I’m told stories about how they knew someone who like me had three boys in a row but then went on to have a girl… so I might be lucky!!! I always respond with, yes I would love another child, but as for a girl…hmmm!!! I always get the impression people think I lying and that they think, poor love of course she’s desperate to have a girl. That’s so not true though.
The worst occasion on which I ever felt prejudice was when I was in labour with my third child. I was in the transition stage and felt like I had nothing more to give and that I just couldn’t carry on. My husband leaned over the edge of the birthing pool and held onto me and whispered words of encouragement and said I should just focus on our little baby that was about to be born, that we would very soon be able to see who that little person was in there. For some reason, our midwife then thought it appropriate to say “Well don’t get your hopes up. You know its more than likely going to be another boy”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! To say we were livid, well that’s an understatement. Yes, he was indeed a boy and we couldn’t have been any happier thank you very much.
I still get people asking me all the time, if I’ll have any more children and if next time I’ll be trying for a girl. I wonder if people would ask me if I’d like any more children if I had mixed genders or are these questions specifically reserved for same gender sibling families
So, the next time you think about asking someone, if I’m quite honest such a personal question, perhaps have a little thought to yourself first. Because ultimately what your saying is that you feel that they should not be satisfied with what they already have. That in your opinion, you feel that they should be experiencing emotions of disappointment that you yourself are projecting onto them with your misplaced sympathy !!
In answer to your question though, to clear this up unequivocally and once and for all, no I will not be trying for a girl and no I am most certainly not disappointed or feel that I have missed out in any way, shape or form by virtue of the fact that I have been blessed beyond my most wildest dreams with three absolute perfect specimens of loving, kind, caring, funny, intelligent, gorgeous and all round kind of wonderful little boys xxx